“When you come right down to it, opinions are the most superficial things about anyone.” Borges
Sometimes you just have to recharge and then rise from your ashes!
Forgive but do not forget, or you will be hurt again. Forgiving changes the perspectives. Forgetting loses the lesson.
Forgiving and forgetting is great in theory, but in reality it’s difficult. Below are four reasons why it’s important to forgive but not forget.
- Forgiving is critical to our emotional health. By refusing to forgive someone, we’re choosing to hold on to all the anger and bitterness that their actions have created. When we choose to hold onto this anger and let it eat us up, it can make us irritable, impatient, distracted, and even physically ill.Forgiveness is all about us, and not about the other person. We don’t forgive other people because they deserve it. If that were the litmus test for when to forgive, it would rarely ever happen. Instead we choose to forgive those who have hurt us because we cannot fully let go of the destructive emotions inside of us until we do. Forgiveness is not a justice issue; it’s a heart issue.
- We can learn from past experiences. We need to take what we can learn, be mindful of the lesson, and move on. This may mean moving on with or without the person who hurt us. Even in the middle of the situation, we can learn something about ourselves — what pushes our buttons, where we might have sensitivities, and how we handle getting hurt by someone we care about. With this new knowledge, we’re better equipped for future relationships and the inevitable conflicts that will come with them.
- Forgiving can strengthen our relationships. All relationships can be restored, and even deepen and thrive, not in spite of what happened in the past but because of it. The act of forgiving strengthens people’s commitment to a healthy relationship. And they become more committed to not allowing divisive and hurtful conflicts to occur in the future.
- We safeguard ourselves from being a victim of the same offense again. It’s not OK to dwell on what happened and rehash it regularly. Instead, we need to remember what happened to us in order to avoid letting it happen again. Just because we have forgiven someone doesn’t mean that we’ll choose to keep them in our lives. Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is forgive them and then move on without them. It’s important that we don’t allow ourselves repeatedly to be the target of the same mistreatment. Therefore, it’s absolutely essential that we learn from what happened so we set ourselves up for a better result in the future.
There is great value in mastering the skill of forgiving but not forgetting. Taking good care of ourselves requires regular forgiveness of others. Remember, we do it for us, not for them. And we don’t obsess, but we don’t forget, either, so we can take the valuable life lessons with us.
“For Women Who Are Difficult to Love” – written and performed by Warsan Shire
You are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.